Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
