Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
