im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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