cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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