Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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