omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
