when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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