Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
