I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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