Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
