Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
