if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No subtext here. People are naked.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
