Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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