non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
