There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
