Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
