I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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