ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Define "chronic" masturbator.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
