If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
