im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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