I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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