Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
