I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
