can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
