She bit a glass in half.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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