So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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