Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize