I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
