imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
