i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
