i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
