If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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