I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
