Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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