I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
