he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
