matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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