I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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