My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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