She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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