last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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