its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Actions speak louder than pants.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
