Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
