we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
