They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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