I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize