i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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