I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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