Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
