So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
