i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
