Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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