I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
