it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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