Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
